Parenting
Parenting is not at all what I thought it would be. I had all the perfect ideas: no sugar, no need to say “no,” just explain why, and they won’t do it again, be consistent, hug them every day. All those lovely “ideas” you formulated when you discovered parenthood was in your future-it all seemed so realistic. Some of it worked, like the hugging part. But honestly, the rest was a day to day game of survival. Survival is what you get very good at as a parent, and the many parents I meet in my office are doing just that.
What’s crazy about parenting today is that our children are very much part of a generation of “first-timers.” Suddenly things we just played with as kids are a sometimes mandatory, everyday device required for school, work, and fun. Yes…I’m talking about technology.
Today’s children face challenges that their parents have never even considered. For the most part, our kids don’t know a world without instant messages, cool high definition graphics, information at your fingertips in an instant and opportunity EVERYWHERE. When I ask my son to mow the lawn, he negotiates and eventually proclaims that mowing the lawn isn’t going to make him more successful; there are people who play games for a living, and they don’t have to “work.” “Did you know you can have a YouTube channel dedicated to gaming, and actually make money?” They play all day?
So, how do we navigate the world today, especially as parents?
How can we possibly instill knowledge and wisdom in our children when they believe they can play online games all day and earn a living?
What was important for my generation to survive doesn’t totally apply to kids today because the world is so different. It’s hard for us to relate to this generation because we feel it should be as hard for them as it was for us. If it’s not, they must not be doing enough! When we were kids, calculators were not allowed, ever! If you were lucky enough to have a teacher who lets you use one to check your work, you certainly didn’t get to use one to correct the wrong answers. Today computers are doing most of the busywork that we used to do manually. We want to instill morals in our children related to hard work, without cheating, you know all the things our parents tried to instill in us. But perhaps today our values need to take a different road? What I want for my child really hadn’t changed from when I grew up, but is there a different way to achieve this based on what’s available to children today? Is “9 to 5” even applicable anymore?
Yet I struggle. How can we value and teach something we don’t understand? How can we respect something that has never, in our entire life, been considered work? I think we are at a critical crossroad, and navigating these waters is no easy task! Even knowing this, it’s still hard to accept. “That’s not how it works,” I still hear in my head. Old school rules are ingrained in our psyche. It’s hard to see the potential in our child when it seems like they are doing it all wrong because “that’s not how I learned it!!” Are we even capable of understanding and maybe, eventually respecting the way our children are navigating and learning in their academic world? I don’t know, but I hope so! I know my perspective has changed through the course of seeing what my children can do with all this magic technology at their disposal. It’s all so easy, and wow, the job got done-and fast. How can this be possible?
So, yes, parents have a hard job today. Children appear to have it so easy, but with all this wonderful technology and speed comes another issue that’s cropping up in all kinds of kids. Gifted, high performing, typical learners, and those who struggle with learning are all affected by our world and the speed with which it is flying by us. The speed is what seems to be hard. Kids are missing the cues. They aren’t catching all the steps. They’re not learning to “read the room” anymore.
One of the biggest challenges with my self-proclaimed job title of “helping kids” is trying to find the WHY of behavior. Behavior is relevant to helping kids find success. We can quickly walk into a classroom and see which kids can “play school” and which clearly cannot. What we can’t see quite that easily, however, is the intelligence and potential a child possesses. If a child is struggling and acting out, we assume they don’t WANT to be compliant. Maybe they don’t have the intelligence? Maybe the parents are never home to teach them manners? Maybe they are spoiled and always allowed to do what they want? Maybe they are LAZY!?
In the book, Lost at School, Ross W. Greene discusses the concept of, “Kids do well IF THEY CAN.” When we compare this with how we often look at behavior, “Kids do well IF THEY WANT TO,” it is easy to see that our perspective and how we choose to handle this behavior will differ depending on HOW we view this child. When they don’t meet our expectations, is it because they don’t want to? Wouldn’t all kids behave if they truly COULD?
So why don’t they? This seems to be the million-dollar question. How can we help them? How can we motivate them? Is there something about this fast-paced world (especially the academic world) that is preventing them from meeting our expectations? Do you remember the expectations when you were in school? I do, and they were very different from those for my child today in school. Is his brain even ready for this? Can he even handle this?
Time moves on, and expectations shift. We progress. We must adjust. We must survive. The end can’t be everything because the process is so often what brings meaning to our lives- this I know in all my sage wisdom! How can we help our kids with the process even though it’s totally foreign to us? While much of the world is changing before our very eyes, there must still be simple truths that exist.
What’s crazy about parenting today is that our children are very much part of a generation of “first-timers.” Suddenly things we just played with as kids are a sometimes mandatory, everyday device required for school, work, and fun. Yes…I’m talking about technology.
Today’s children face challenges that their parents have never even considered. For the most part, our kids don’t know a world without instant messages, cool high definition graphics, information at your fingertips in an instant and opportunity EVERYWHERE. When I ask my son to mow the lawn, he negotiates and eventually proclaims that mowing the lawn isn’t going to make him more successful; there are people who play games for a living, and they don’t have to “work.” “Did you know you can have a YouTube channel dedicated to gaming, and actually make money?” They play all day?
So, how do we navigate the world today, especially as parents?
How can we possibly instill knowledge and wisdom in our children when they believe they can play online games all day and earn a living?
What was important for my generation to survive doesn’t totally apply to kids today because the world is so different. It’s hard for us to relate to this generation because we feel it should be as hard for them as it was for us. If it’s not, they must not be doing enough! When we were kids, calculators were not allowed, ever! If you were lucky enough to have a teacher who lets you use one to check your work, you certainly didn’t get to use one to correct the wrong answers. Today computers are doing most of the busywork that we used to do manually. We want to instill morals in our children related to hard work, without cheating, you know all the things our parents tried to instill in us. But perhaps today our values need to take a different road? What I want for my child really hadn’t changed from when I grew up, but is there a different way to achieve this based on what’s available to children today? Is “9 to 5” even applicable anymore?
Yet I struggle. How can we value and teach something we don’t understand? How can we respect something that has never, in our entire life, been considered work? I think we are at a critical crossroad, and navigating these waters is no easy task! Even knowing this, it’s still hard to accept. “That’s not how it works,” I still hear in my head. Old school rules are ingrained in our psyche. It’s hard to see the potential in our child when it seems like they are doing it all wrong because “that’s not how I learned it!!” Are we even capable of understanding and maybe, eventually respecting the way our children are navigating and learning in their academic world? I don’t know, but I hope so! I know my perspective has changed through the course of seeing what my children can do with all this magic technology at their disposal. It’s all so easy, and wow, the job got done-and fast. How can this be possible?
So, yes, parents have a hard job today. Children appear to have it so easy, but with all this wonderful technology and speed comes another issue that’s cropping up in all kinds of kids. Gifted, high performing, typical learners, and those who struggle with learning are all affected by our world and the speed with which it is flying by us. The speed is what seems to be hard. Kids are missing the cues. They aren’t catching all the steps. They’re not learning to “read the room” anymore.
One of the biggest challenges with my self-proclaimed job title of “helping kids” is trying to find the WHY of behavior. Behavior is relevant to helping kids find success. We can quickly walk into a classroom and see which kids can “play school” and which clearly cannot. What we can’t see quite that easily, however, is the intelligence and potential a child possesses. If a child is struggling and acting out, we assume they don’t WANT to be compliant. Maybe they don’t have the intelligence? Maybe the parents are never home to teach them manners? Maybe they are spoiled and always allowed to do what they want? Maybe they are LAZY!?
In the book, Lost at School, Ross W. Greene discusses the concept of, “Kids do well IF THEY CAN.” When we compare this with how we often look at behavior, “Kids do well IF THEY WANT TO,” it is easy to see that our perspective and how we choose to handle this behavior will differ depending on HOW we view this child. When they don’t meet our expectations, is it because they don’t want to? Wouldn’t all kids behave if they truly COULD?
So why don’t they? This seems to be the million-dollar question. How can we help them? How can we motivate them? Is there something about this fast-paced world (especially the academic world) that is preventing them from meeting our expectations? Do you remember the expectations when you were in school? I do, and they were very different from those for my child today in school. Is his brain even ready for this? Can he even handle this?
Time moves on, and expectations shift. We progress. We must adjust. We must survive. The end can’t be everything because the process is so often what brings meaning to our lives- this I know in all my sage wisdom! How can we help our kids with the process even though it’s totally foreign to us? While much of the world is changing before our very eyes, there must still be simple truths that exist.
